What was I looking for this month? The word that would encompass being open and disciplined? I am not sure I found a word that fits both … I could use balance but meh that’s one of those overused words. I need something with a beautiful edge to it. Perhaps in essence it is about truth. Satya. Isn’t this a beautiful word. Yes, this is the word I have been practicing living this month. Moving in a truthful way with discipline.
Seeing discipline in this way is exactly the kind of discipline I want to be accountable to. One that derives it’s source from being true.
I am now just over halfway into this creative project of mine. Of prioritising what feels right to take me forward. I talked about focussing on being open this month I have in fact been open the entire time. Open to stepping a little towards the edge, to test my boundaries, to make decisions, to strengthen my core, to see what arrives in my life. As it happens my inner core (character) was already pretty tough … it just needed some love. It needed me to go a little easy on myself. To relax into life as it is. Some space to remind myself of ‘why’ I’m here. And of accepting that I am!
Yoga has helped. It has been a gift. Would it have been a gift six months ago? Maybe. But my gut tells me maybe not. The timing wasn’t right then … I had to flow into it. I think this is the essense of living in a truthful way. Not everything can come at once. It’s a process. And I had to clear enough space physically and mentally for it to fit. I have tried to find yoga in the past few years. I tried ‘gym’ yoga, tried to practice practice monthly with online yoga … neither worked for me.
How has yoga helped?
It provided me with a place to dive. A place to get completely lost in the depths of my practice, within myself. This has made me stronger. It has nurtured my body, soul and spirit. And this has helped me to smash the notion of ‘onward’ wide open.
What is onward for me? It will be different for you and different for my neighbour and my friends. This is why I think we are better to follow our own intuition rather than a checklist. There is no guidebook to choosing which door to open, which door to close. Although yes for sure there are some universal truths and hints. And for sure closing doors is the only way to open new ones.
What about when we step into a new door and realise it may not have been the right one?
I wondered about that a bit this year. Was giving up our life in Australia a mistake? Certainly we’d have been financially more stable had we stayed. We’d have our family and our friends close. Have we done a disservice to our kids? No need to make me feel better I actually knew deep down the decision was right for us. I know because every time I hop on my bike, or take in the beauty of the village life we have created for ourselves, I KNOW we did the right thing. The ‘me’ that lives here now and the ‘one’ I left behind just hadn’t caught up to each other.
My spirit was floating – floating a little in Australia, a little in Thailand, a little on the camper van trail, along the camino and here with me. And then this month perhaps as a result of my yoga practice my spirit found its way home. I think I will always be a little something more than the nationality I hold. I’m little something of all the places my soul has felt home.
I met a new friend at yoga, she is a writer and she has had quite an impact on me. We have only spoken a few times but I know that meeting her has steered me towards a direction that I had perhaps closed for myself. One that has been calling me since I arrived in Ireland. This is what people call grace I think. Do you think these people keep showing up until we actually hear them? Our spirit guides? Each one taking you a little closer to your deepest purpose than the last. Do we only see them when we are open? Is this not a reason to seek the space to swim with our truest essence?
A lot of the things that have troubled me or needed action have found their natural resolutions this month. The work of facing some big decisions has finally ended. More news on that next month but it relates to permanence, well temporary permanence (that’s all there is right!?).
I am going to explore my decision to study a masters a little closer this month. Why am I so good at being accountable to grades?! What does that say about me? Is this really the career I want or is it about a ‘productive’ use of my time? Have I surrendered my soul work to the wrong people? Was that the right hallway to walk down? Or was it simply an ‘on’ ramp the the highway I really must travel?
Another Sanskrit word has spoken to me for the next month … Atman. I am committed to living my truth. My most honest existence. I think I know what it is. I hope to come back next month having shown a moral discipline towards honouring it.
Have a beautiful June lovely friends. Walk amongst the trees, hear the birds, be mindful of who’s paying you a visit and what birdsong they are singing – it all matters. It matters a great deal.